just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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