Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
