last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
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She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
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Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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