Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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