also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
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Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
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I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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