Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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