It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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