So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
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My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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