Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
