Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
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Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
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Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing