just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.