when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
