I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.