I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
