I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
