At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So many bounce houses so little time
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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