I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
