dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?