Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
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and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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