He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
