Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
