Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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