my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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