I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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