the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
