I met the friendliest cop last night
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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