eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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