Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
