You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2