Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."