dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.