Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.