remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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