Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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