I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The Olympian is in my bed
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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