Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....