Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.