hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji