There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
