Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
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Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
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I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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