Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
