how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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