I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
