You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I don't deserve a penis
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.