why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.