Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10