I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.