Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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