Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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