If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?