so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.