I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.