I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He shit in the fireplace