Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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