He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
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It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
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Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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