I'm going to jail i love you
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize