the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
