Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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