I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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