Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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