she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring