I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
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You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
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I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.